Zweetdruppels in de lobby

Report Nu.nl, January 18, 2019. By Germieke Smits. Early 2019, I was interviewed by Nu.nl about the reason why people flock to sing-along concerts. Below you will find part of the article that resulted from this. Approximately 145,000 visitors attend the eleven shows of De Vrienden van Amstel Live in Ahoy in Rotterdam. There they can listen to and sing along with famous Dutch artists. The concert series is usually sold out within a day a year in advance. What makes such massive sing-along concerts attractive? Fans of De Toppers or other artists flock to concert halls in large numbers, wearing sugary pink outfits and carrying merchandise. “One of the most important reasons to go is the feeling of belonging somewhere,” says Natasja Hoex, psychologist, team coach and expert in group dynamics.Everyone is a fan “When you go to a concert of the Toppers, everyone is a fan, you belong to a group. And then you can even exaggerate it, by singing along loudly and dressing up. That way, it is also made fun of a bit and it is not so serious.” There is a positive peer pressure at sing-along concerts, Hoex adds. “You can really go crazy for a while. You are no longer mom, dad or teacher. The larger group ensures that you dare to do something that you would not normally do so quickly. You probably do not quickly go on the dance floor or sing along on your own. If an entire stadium does it, it is easier.” Singing together, just like dancing and telling stories, evokes a sense of solidarity , because we have been doing it for centuries, says Hoex. The fact that sing-along concerts are often by Dutch artists gives the audience an extra feeling that the concert is ‘theirs’, says Hoex. “Just like King's Day: that is ‘our’ day.” Not strangers, but friends Fraternization at a sing-along concert happens quickly, says Hoex laughing. “You give a compliment about an outfit, you like the same song, you put your arm around your neighbor. The threshold is lowered at a concert. If you have a few things in common, you are soon no longer strangers, but friends.” Friends for a while, because fraternization is a temporary thing, says Hoex. “But that doesn’t make it any less valuable. The masks come off for a while. In our society, many people are anxious, they emphasize the differences or they have learned to be on their own. But people are naturally looking for connection and friendships. You also see that when a disaster happens or when the weather is bad: people immediately gravitate towards each other.”

MetroNieuws report, March 25, 2019. By Claartje Vogel. Early 2019, I was interviewed by MetroNieuws about the subject of ‘gossiping in the workplace’. Below you will find part of the article that resulted from this. Gossiping occurs in every workplace. When is it a problem and how do you solve it? “In companies with a kind of family culture, gossip occurs more often,” says psychologist and group dynamics expert Natasja Hoex. “They are often teams that know each other well and see each other outside of work, almost as a kind of family. Think, for example, of a school or a local doctor's office. It is precisely in these types of organizations that gossip quickly becomes a problem.” For example, Hoex recently supervised a primary school in such a small village. The team did not work well together and there was a lot of gossip. “Team members didn’t dare to give each other direct feedback because they wanted to keep things friendly at all costs,” she explains. “They didn’t want to ruin the good atmosphere, but they still had to vent their frustrations. So they discussed their annoyances in the corridors.” A team that doesn’t dare to give each other feedback is a problem, says the psychologist. “If you really want to work well together, giving feedback is essential. If you don’t dare to say anything, frustrations will build up. Moreover, gossip can get out of hand and come back to the person it’s about in a nasty way.” Gossip is not always about work, but it often is. The King's Business School in London made a top 10 of most common gossip themes and number one is 'incompetence', in other words: someone does not do their job well. This is followed by classic gossip such as cheating, sexual preferences and stupid statements. For example: Jan is often late and you talk about it with colleague Lisa. She tells you that she heard that Jan has a sick family member. Now you understand better where the behavior comes from and you will probably be less annoyed. Of course you could have confronted Jan directly, but many people find that difficult. Especially in a small community, Hoex explains. "At the primary school, for example, teachers had a lot to lose. You don't only encounter your colleague at work, but also at the bakery. Maybe your own child is in his class." At the same time, there were definitely problems at the school, but the teachers did not know how to solve them. Hoex solved it by bringing the team together and naming the gossip problem. "You can do this with a coach, but also as a team leader. Say: I notice that people are gossiping, do you recognize that? In my experience, no one is really happy with a culture of gossip at work. Who knows what is said about you when you are not there." Hoex taught the team how to give each other feedback without getting into a fight. Furthermore, gossiping has not been completely eradicated, but the colleagues have made agreements. "You can let off steam for a while, as long as you solve the problem afterwards," she says. "If your colleague says something critical about someone else, ask whether the person in question already knows this. So also speak to your colleagues when they gossip, because you are all responsible for the atmosphere in the team." What can you do about gossip in the office? 1. Discuss it in the group, so that no one immediately feels attacked. 2. Be aware that gossip is often based on vague assumptions and presumptions. 3. Realize that a relatively innocent conversation can quickly be taken out of context. Your colleagues like to take it a step further. 4. Make agreements: speak to your colleagues about gossiping.  5. Complaining is okay, but don't stop at just talking. Solve the problem. 6. Do you think people are gossiping about you? Find the source and confront him or her.

He walks out of the coffee shop. I don’t think the boy in the beige parka jacket isn’t more than 25 years old. On his face, you can read the mishmash of freshness – because he’s still young – and tired eyes because of the long nights out, alcohol, and probably weed. He looks around a bit skittish, and then leans over to the security guard standing in front of the coffee shop door. “Ah, just one ciggy with you, John,” the boy says extra cheerfully. “That’s tradition.” “That’s true,” the security guard mutters, taking his smokes out of this jacket. The security guard is somewhere around the age of 55. A quiet man in his usual black suit with the silver V pin, who apparently doesn’t value this “tradition” as much, but who does play the game. The security guard offers the boy a cigarette from his own package and together they chat about how busy it is and how tough things are. The nervous kid relaxes visibly, laughing loudly at the older security guard’s remarks. Feeling at home in the dire cold, at 00:30 at night on the doorsteps of a coffee shop. “Belonging,” we all want that. One of the first human needs that we often don’t express. Because we’re tough and independent and stuff. But something we do all need and crave. “Belonging” is expressed in small rituals: sharing a cigarette, the banter jokes at the coffee corner, using the same strange terms, abbreviations, and all kinds of other business stuff. And sometimes it just doesn’t work that well, belonging together. Then you’ve lost it for a moment. A few years ago, there was a very relatable advertisement from, I think, Randstad or something. It said: Do those stupid jokes at the coffee corner and the lukewarm beef croquettes in the canteen suddenly annoy you? Maybe it’s time to leave... Sometimes that’s true, then it’s time to say goodbye. And sometimes not at all! Are you in one of those moments of just not feeling like having lukewarm beef croquettes, but is saying goodbye a bridge too far? Are you curious about what else could possibly be different in your team? Then go have someone conduct a good team analysis. Take a look here: https://www.deteamcoach.nl/analyse-advies/ If you make sure there are lukewarm beef croquettes and silly jokes, I’d be happy to drop by for a preliminary exploratory talk, without any fuss, without an invoice.

I saw her sitting behind the wheel with her long, blond hair. She leaned in a bit and seemed to gently move along with something. Her perfectly made-up face with red lips looked delighted at the cars in front of her. Cars creeping forward towards the exit. Cars I saw as big, chunky obstacles on my way to my destination. But not her! The big red lips slowly parted, forming words. She didn’t have any earpieces in. She didn’t have that stressed, frowned look on her face so many people can have when they need to make a quick phone call while they’re in the car. She seemed happy. She had a big smile on her face and sometimes she’d close her eyes for just a brief moment, as if she was drawing from something that was fluttering in her belly. I turned on the radio. Toyed with my pre-programmed buttons. And suddenly I heard it: “When the sun goes down and the band won’t play... I’ll always remember us this way.” The words those red lips next to me so carefully formed came from the radio. I could almost literally read the intensity of the music in the softly, squinted eyes and delighted smile of the blondie in the car next to me. And I could feel her joy when I started singing along with Lady Gaga. Tuning in. That’s what it does. A connection so you can feel, taste, understand what the other means. It’s so much more than just the word. And sometimes we’re so completely lost. We don’t understand a thing the other person’s red lips are saying. Do you want to work on tuning in with your team again? Do you want to see those red lips again instead of just a line-up of cars? Have you lost the ability to really listen to each other? Call me on 06-41335607 and I’ll be happy to visit, without any hassle, without an invoice, and of course with beautiful red lips! For more information, go to https://www.deteamcoach.nl/teamcoaching/

“Fifteen years ago, that twat broke my teapot. And that teapot meant so much to me. She knew that.” Gertrude’s arms are folded and she spits the words out, red with anger, while facing the camera. “Gee,” Bert van Leeuwen of the Dutch TV show Het Familiediner replies. “And she didn’t say sorry?” He looks at Gertrude questioningly and closes his eyes slightly as an understanding gesture. “No, not really,” Gertrude continues. “A card, that was all. But if she was really sorry yeah, if she was really sorry, then she’d come here and say it straight to my face. She’s my very own sister, yeah. And she gets away with it with a card.” The large, dark brown pit bull in the background still growls at Bert’s calves. “Oh well, right to your face... yes, that’s strange that she didn’t do that,” Bert says, keeping an eye on the dog behind his owner, staring at Bert with big, dark eyes. It might be some strange professional abnormality, but I always really enjoy watching Het Familiediner. It’s where families settle their cold wars after Bert’s limo picked them up. For no good reason, that’s why they’re fighting. A birthday card that never arrived. A misunderstanding about the other person’s wife. All kinds of assumptions fly around. “Yes, he did that because he thinks that we’re not good enough.” “Did they say that?” Bert then asks. “No, not that, but we just know.” Weird huh? Or not? This morning I sat with some MT members who had been in conflict with each other for quite a while. I talked to them separately first. For hours, people can tell me what has gone wrong over the past years. And believe me, they do. Sometimes I think: “I think I should just turn on a tape recorder at one party and play it to the other party, and vice versa....” And then comes the moment I can ask my key question.......... “Have you ever talked to each other about this?” Guess what’s almost always the answer.... Scary, huh? Sure thing! But you don’t want to end up as Gertrude with her pit bull, do you? Do you have the balls to start that conversation with that one colleague you simply can’t get along with and would you rather do that with your own “Bert” instead of alone? Call me on 06-41335607 or send me an email at info@deteamcoach.nl . And I’ll drop by for a preliminary conversation, without any hassle, without an invoice.

“Hank, why don’t you find a place to sit and I’ll get us some coffee.” Mary doesn’t wait another second for an answer and waddles her flabby body steadfast to the counter. Her boyish brown haircut matches her practical beige coat and the nice and comfortable walking shoes. For the ‘’I’m actually still a little crazy, you know”-feeling, Marie had a red frame measured a week ago, which is now the shiny eye-catcher on her otherwise colorless face. Halfway there, Marie suddenly turns around. “No, Hank, not like that! When you lift a chair, grab it with both hands, not just one. Otherwise you’ll throw your back out again, watch out.” Apparently Hank has never lifted a chair in all his life. A little later, Mary returns with the coffee and two ham sandwiches. “But I don’t like ham,” Hank protests weakly. “Well they were on offer, so stop your whining.” “So, here we are,” Mary sighs. “How nice.” “May I go to the toilet before we go see the monkeys?” Hank asks. “I think so, Hank, that should be fine. Will you please not forget your zipper...... “ Filled with secondhand embarrassment, I listen to the couple next to me at the zoo. Embarrassed because from the outside the cringeworthy dynamics and crazy patterns of power are so enormously clear. But also with embarrassment because I sometimes behave like a Mary to my Hank. Oh my, oh my, none of us want to act like our parents when we’re in a relationship ourselves, but I bet many of us sometimes find ourselves in such a Hank/Mary pattern as.... well, uhm.... as Hank and Mary do. Or am I the only one? That’s possible too, of course. Those patterns are bloody persistent, even if you want to change it. Being less pushy, or less stressful or taking more initiatives... When you’re in the middle of it all, it’s hard to know which string to pull. And this is especially true for a team. Even more Hanks and Mary’s together, pfff. Even more patterns all tangled up. How nice it’d be if someone came to untangle things. So that you can face your ‘partners in crime’ again. So you can work together again without any assumptions, persistent patterns and fuss. Take a look here https://www.deteamcoach.nl/teamcoaching/ and if there’s something you recognize.... Call me at 06-41335608 or send an email to info@deteamcoach.nl . And I’d love to come by, without any fuss, without an invoice but with ham sandwiches, because they were on sale.

Monday morning 09:30. There I stood, still completely relaxed from the weekend. It wasn’t very busy for me that day, so I started my day doing my weekly grocery shopping. “Annie, did ye take a break already?” It took me a while to realize that the cashier wasn’t asking me if I wanted more coffee, but was shouting something to her colleague. “Nah, not yet,” I heard the girl behind the service desk bellow back. “Tha was somethin’ Friday, huh. I don’t thin’ I’ve evah been tha drunk yet.” Oh, apparently they didn’t need to take a break to discuss certain things, I thought briefly. “Nah, man, I don’t have tha so often anymore, let’s just say.” I heard the girl behind the counter was really going to open up, so I pricked up my ears. “You want stamps too?” Huh, what a strange question... Oh, that was meant for me. “Uh no,” I muttered softly, my ears still tuned in on the other girl like satellite dishes. Would there be another adventurous twist, including many spewed bodily fluids or something else that would make me shudder with horror? When I looked back, the girl had disappeared. Secretly hoping she would spew out the rest of the story from behind the cheese counter, I looked into the shop but unfortunately the conversation had ended.  As a customer, I don’t even play a supporting role in their conversations. An annoying extra is maybe my best label... And that’s unfortunately also the case with many management teams and board of director teams. Many teams are so preoccupied with putting out fires on a daily basis, or ad hoc things and internal situations that people sometimes forget who they’re actually doing their best for. But it actually helps to refocus your purpose again. Why are you doing this? And I don’t mean for “the pennies” because then you might as well have worked from behind the counter. Why again did you choose to set up or lead this company? And sometimes it helps if someone from the outside is listening in. To ask the right questions and help untangle all those little knots that drain your energy. Feel free to call me at 06-41335608 or send an email to info@deteamcoach.nl . And I’d love to come by for a preliminary free analysis consultation. Without any fuss and without an invoice. But with a bonus card. Of course I always take it with me.

Met lange blonde haren zag ik haar achter het stuur zitten. Ze leunde een beetje naar voren en ze leek wel zachtjes mee te bewegen met iets. Haar perfect opgemaakte gezicht met rood gestifte lippen, keek blij naar de auto’s voor haar. Auto’s voor haar die in een lange rij richting de afslag kropen. Auto’s die ik zag als grote hompen belemmeringen op weg naar mijn bestemming. Maar zij niet! De grote rode lippen bewogen langzaam uit elkaar en vormden woorden. Ze had geen oortjes in. Niet die gestreste gefronste blik die veel mensen kunnen hebben als ze nog snel een telefoongesprek moeten doen onderweg. Ze keek blij. Een grote glimlach brak door op haar gezicht en af en toe deed ze heel eventjes haar ogen dicht, alsof ze putte uit iets dat fladderde in haar borstkas. Ik draaide de radio aan. Rammelde wat met mijn voorgeprogrammeerde knopjes. En ineens hoorde ik het: “”When the sun goes down and the band won’t play… I’ll always remember us this way.” Uit de radio kwamen de woorden, die de rode lippen naast mij zo zorgvuldig vormden. De intensiteit van de muziek kon ik bijna letterlijk aflezen in de zacht toegeknepen ogen en verrukte glimlach van de blondine in de auto naast mij. En ik kon precies haar blijdschap voelen, terwijl ook ik begon mee te zingen met Lady Gaga.  Even afstemmen. Dat doet het dus. Een verbinding waardoor je kan voelen, proeven, begrijpen wat de ander bedoelt. Het is zoveel meer dan alleen het woord. En soms zijn we het zó helemaal kwijt. Begrijpen we helemaal niks van die rode lippen van de ander. Wil jij weer afgestemd werken in jullie team? Weer rode lippen kunnen zien in plaats van alleen een rij met auto’s? Zijn jullie het even kwijt om elkaar echt te horen? Bel me op 06-41335607 en ik kom graag langs, zonder gedoe, zonder factuur en natuurlijk met mooie rode lippen!

Maandagochtend 09.30. Daar stond ik. Nog helemaal ontspannen van het weekend. Niet al te druk die dag, dus ik begon met eerst maar eens boodschappen doen voor de hele week. “Annie, hedde gij al pauze gehad?” Het duurde even voordat ik door had dat de cassière blijkbaar niet aan mij vroeg of ik nog koffie wilde, maar haar collega iets toeschreeuwde. “Neuh, nog nie,” hoorde ik het meisje achter de servicebalie terug blèren. “Da was toch wâ hè, vrijdag. Ik denk da’k nog nie zó dronken ben geweest.” Oh blijkbaar was het helemaal niet nodig om pauze te hebben om bepaalde dingen te bespreken, dacht ik even vluchtig. “Neuh, jonge, da hè ik ook nie zo vaak meer, zal ik maar zegge.” Ik hoorde dat het meisje achter de balie nu echt een boekje open zou gaan doen en ik spitste mijn oren. “Wilt u ook zegeltjes?” Huh wat een rare vraag…. O dat was wél voor mij bedoeld. “Eh nee,” mompelde ik zachtjes, mijn oren nog steeds als schotelantennes gericht op het andere meisje. Zou er nog een avontuurlijk wending komen met veel uitgebraakte lichaamssappen of iets anders wat me zou doen sidderen van afschuw? Toen ik achterom keek, bleek het meisje achter de balie te zijn verdwenen. Stiekem hopend dat ze de rest van het verhaal nog vanachter de kaas zou doorblèren keek ik de winkel in, maar helaas het gesprek was blijkbaar afgelopen. Het liedje “Houdoe “van de Vliegende Panters kwam naar boven borrelen… Spaart u ook zegeltjes Bonuskaart of Airmiles Heel vies liedje eigenlijk kom ik nu achter………. maar ja dat kon hè in de jaren 90. Maar mijn Jumbo is dus niet veel anders blijkt wel weer. Als klant speel ik eigenlijk niet eens een bijrol in hun gesprekken. Storende figurant is misschien nog het beste etiketje… En dat is dus helaas ook in heel veel management- en directieteams zo. Veel teams worden zo in beslag genomen door de dagelijkse brandjes, ad hoc dingetjes en interne toestanden dat er nog wel eens wordt vergeten voor wie je daar ook alweer je best zit te doen. Terwijl dat nog wel eens wil helpen, even opnieuw afstemmen op jullie purpose. Waar doe je het ook alweer voor? En dan bedoel ik niet “de centen” want dan had je net zo goed achter de kassa kunnen gaan zitten. Waarom hebben jullie ook alweer gekozen om deze onderneming op te zetten/ dan wel te gaan leiden? En soms helpt het even als er eens iemand meekijkt. Goede vragen stelt. Al die kleine knoopjes die jullie energie weg doet lekken, helpt ontwarren. Bel mij gerust op 06-41335607 of mail info@deteamcoach.nl En ik kom graag langs voor een eerste gratis analysegesprek. Zonder gedoe en zonder factuur. Wel met bonuskaart, die neem ik altijd mee natuurlijk.